Mumbai, India 2016 - Pink shirt, grey hat second row
Again, as I mentioned in the last post, I do not share my story to shame or blame anyone, it is quite the opposite. By sharing my truth at that time I am then able to break free from what's holding me back and you are too!
I love my parents and my family has laid a foundation for the life I have now. I have 3 college degrees all in engineering and I have worked for 5 fortune companies and traveled to 21 different countries (22 if you consider the Cajun South Louisiana as a different country. It definitely felt like it, but it holds a place in my heart as the area I likely matured the most). I have had the honor to live in 3 different countries outside of the USA for 6 months+.
I don't say this to brag. I say this because what you may see on the outside and what was actually going on in the inside was very different.
In high school I did graduate with a 4.0+ GPA. However, what you did not see was that I went to bed at 2am and woke up at 6am most nights. I was on alot of allergy medicine and was sick most of the time. I was in the nurses office quite often with a bloody nose. I forgot to mentioned I played soccer, basketball, lacrosse sports year round and did band all 4 years. I was really good at dissociated my emotions because I didn’t do all of this for the shear joy of it. I did it out of shame. I thought I had to work for love and acceptance. I felt I was constantly in trouble from my parents because I was not perfect enough unless my score matched up.
You can only run at this pace for so long because working from a place of shame can be crippling. Two days after I left my first job after college with a major oil company, I injured my back doing seemingly basic tasks. I knew it was from the stress.
I share my story to help you be more free and not work from the same places I did. From my last post, you can see why I was working from a place of:
Unworthiness
I was subconsciously afraid of men
Subconciously did not feel safe or thought around every corner something was going to erupt
I didn’t think I was smart, regardless of my scores
I hid from the pain of the chaos I grew up with because my child’s brain did not know what to make of it
After being separated from my mother for 2 years, I thought I had to be a mother and helper for my brother and dad - which is not healthy for a 10-year-old, but it is what I thought I needed to do
I was told what to feel and not feel which meant I was not living in authenticity to myself
Low self-confidence and self-esteem was a given
My work was my identity which is not a healthy place to operate from
When you hide from your pain, you also hide from your joy. Again, I don’t write this for pity, but as a window also in your heart to set you free from emotional habits that may be holding you back we as well.
And then there was travel growing up…and it was bliss…atleast it felt like it. I gave me hope. Without it I would have self-destructed. I’m extremely thankful to God for giving the opportunities I had and continue to have to meet new people and see new places.
And most importantly help you become free.
And for my very first adventure… see you in the next post!
(I know you see the photos in the background and wonder what is the story behind them...yes, I'll get there, stay tuned)
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